Legal Law

Man Calling Libraries And Masturbating To A Supreme Court docket Opinion

You saw that headline and thought: “This can’t possibly be real.” Alas, it is very much a real thing that’s really happening in America in 2021. The asteroid cannot come swiftly enough.

For weeks, an unknown man has called libraries around the country asking for a specific Supreme Court opinion to be read to him. As the librarians comply, it becomes clear that he’s pleasuring himself to the words of the Court.

“Oh yeah, give it to me. Give me that exculpatory evidence. Spank those prosecutors!”

But here’s the thing… it’s always Brady v. Maryland. There are actual Supreme Court opinions with pornography discussed in the facts! If this guy was asking about Lochner, we could at least narrow it down to the Federalist Society. Instead, we’ve got a guy a crim pro fetishist who gets off on defendants… getting off? I guess there is some logic there.

Another librarian added her personal experience with The Slippery Gavel:

I understand why they hang up, but it robs us of learning if he concludes the call yelling, “Comes now the plaintiff!”

Even more bizarrely, this may not be this legal jerkoff’s first rodeo. This is from the Library Think Tank group on Facebook and they see a pattern in the recent spate of calls:

“John Grisham titles.” Just a list of titles like “Firm” and “Rainmaker” and oh… I guess I see where this is going.

Seriously, don’t harass librarians. Don’t harass anyone, but included within that, don’t harass librarians. If you need this kind of thrill, call a late night SCOTUS party line like Shadow Docket Girls where real clerks are just dying to get you standing! Just dial 1-CER-TIO-RARI.

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HeadshotJoe Patrice is a senior editor at Above the Law and co-host of Thinking Like A Lawyer. Feel free to email any tips, questions, or comments. Follow him on Twitter if you’re interested in law, politics, and a healthy dose of college sports news. Joe also serves as a Managing Director at RPN Executive Search.

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